Buck Naked with a Burglar

La Paz, 2002. I had recently arrived in La Paz for the first time and was looking for a new place to live. After sleeping on the street for a while, I found an upstairs room with a refrigerator, a cooking stove and a shower, even a television.

It was summer and it was hot in La Paz, so I slept naked on top of the sheets. Sometime later I was woken up by a sound. Someone was in my room. When I yelled the guy ran out of the room and jumped over the balcony. I grabbed my machete, went after him on the balcony, down the stairs and out to the street. Buck naked…

Realizing I would probably get busted by the police for running around buck naked with a machete on the street, I just hurled some more loud insults at the robber before going back to my room.

Two weeks later. This guy was in my room again. I didn’t shout this time, I just pretended I was sleeping. Suddenly, I rushed up and jumped him. Not knowing if he was armed or not, his head ended up pressed against the wall, with my hand holding it in place. Words could not describe how angry I was. I busted his face over and over again, smashing it back and forth between the wall and the refrigerator.

I was afraid he had a gun, so I got my hand on my machete again and pounded him facedown on the floor, with the machete on his throat. The man started to cry, screaming at the top of his lungs. “I’m a marine! I don’t want any problems with the police!” I was now in a very angry state, so I smashed his head to the floor and yelled at him, “You don’t have a problem with the police. You have problem with me, hijo de puta!” I banged his head down some more and dragged him closer to the edge of my machete.

I shouted out to my neighbors, “I have a burglar in my room! He’s held down and unarmed! Please help!” It took 15 minutes until someone dared to answer. The tough neighbors who, two weeks ago told me would help if I got another break-in… Lots of talk but no walk.

The landlady finally answered, “You want me to call the police?” I dislike the Mexican police, but in this situation I said, “Yes, please!”

The guy was still crying and screaming. I was on top of him on the floor, banging his head and holding him down with the machete still on his neck.

I was very, very angry.

Then I realized that I was buck naked again without a stitch on, sitting on top of him like I would rape him. I better get more presentable… I shuffled the crying ex-marine toward the bed with the machete still on his throat. Somehow I managed to grab a towel from the bed and wrap it around my waist.

Someone was knocking on the door. “Come in!” I said. Three police officers standing in the doorway. Still angry, I told them to stay where they were and just give me handcuffs. They looked at me and did what I asked. I cuffed the guy, made him stand up, and hand him over to them.

The policemen looked puzzled. They said, “You have to come with us to the station.”

I said, “No! Take him, do whatever you want! I’m going back to sleep. I have work tomorrow.”

They took him away. I never found out what happened with the guy after that incident, but I didn’t have any more problems afterwards. There was talk about a crazy Viking running around buck naked while brandishing a machete on the street close to the malecon of La Paz.